24 August 2007

Body Lessons

I have made bodily discoveries in the most memorable and significant of times. At 27, my first cluster of gray hairs unveiled themselves the day I kicked out my cheating boyfriend. I found a yet-to-be-explained kiwi-sized abdominal mass when I was in nursing school and exploring every crevice with newfound abandon. At age 12 I broke my pinky toe. Nursing it I found my beloved Christmas tree shaped toe mole. In a beer-inspired college competition, I learned that my ability to fart on command is not, in fact, a common skill.

This week- in the most unusual and unfortunate of ways- I learned that my ass has grown. It was in my way, and I accidentally shaved it. I was standing in the shower, shaving my legs and rinsing the razor behind me when the side of my ass caught on fire. It took one stupid moment to realize what I had done, and considerably longer to decide how to get out of the shower and stop the bleeding without ruining a towel. I shaved a 10-inch slice that stung the whole day but has almost completely healed. What I learned- other than there IS a creative way to make your ass the highest part of your body AND apply pressure at the same time- is that I need to curb my daily chocolate habit and get this widening ass to the gym! No more excuses.

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