17 July 2008

Sometimes They Break My Heart

We play Birthday Party like we always do. Towel or blanket spread on the floor. A pile of clothes laid in the middle is our beautiful vanilla-berry-chocolate cake. And before the cake is cut with a hand-knife and served on open palms to oohs and ahhs, we sing in both languages and make a wish. I haven't told them the wish should be secret.

"What did you wish for?" I ask.

Stella blurts, "Two hundred of you!"

"Two hundred of me?" I can't believe it. She hides her face a little. "Yes."

"What did you wish for?" It's innocent enough. Such simple questions they ask.

"That I'll never yell at you again."

I couldn't lie because it was a big wish just like hers. I wanted her to know that my late for work irritation- PUT ON YOUR SHOES NOW, or whispered growl- QUIET. You'll wake your brother, are not the me I imagined. So I use every wish I can get, real candle or not. I close my eyes and think this is the day I become the mother I want to be. The mother they deserve. And her wish is real too. What shame I feel, she uses her wish for more of me.

Wait, child, I want to say, wait until I get my shit together and can act like a grownup, then you can have all you want.


Kathleen said...

you must be doing something right or she wouldn't want 200 of you.
be kinder to yourself.

*hug* from one mama to another.

and, yes, bmore is hot! and humid. like walking right behind a bus, fumes puffing out, with a wet, wool blanket over your head.


Jamie said...

Your writing is so powerful. I loved this! I am one momma who has wished this same wish a countless number of times. Just when I think I have my shit together, something happens that proves I don't. But it is all good because those little people scurrying through our house creating all the chaos see us as superheroes...at least until they are teenagers.

Mothering Two said...

i found your blog through spirit of the river. reading and enjoying! thank you for sharing. i know that feeling of that particular wish. but its seems to me you are already the mama you want to be, look how your babies love you! if only we could all see that we already are that awesome mama we want to be. just wanting it, makes it so. to not want to be a better momma is like not wanting - oh, i dunno, no words of wisdom here... just wanted to say you already sound like an amazing momma!